I want to be a storyteller

Weekends is usually when I sit and think what I want to do in life. Gaurav hates it.. because he knows I'll come up with something new I want to do and harass him on the 2 days that he gets to sit at home and watch TV. Well I can't blame him, but my head is always so full of things that should be done and I MUST have someone to listen to all those ideas. Mostly, they centre around what I want to do in life. That mostly comes up when I am bored. Sometimes I am amazed how easily things, people and places bore me. Well that's another topic for another day. Coming back to my weekend musings, after thinking over a lot of options, I've figured I want to be a storyteller.

Whenever I think about the happiest times or at least the most memorable times in my life, I'm always a storyteller in those. I remember when we were kids and lived in a joint family. Whenever there were fights at home (there were a lot of them... I grew up in a troubled household) I'd make up stories and tell them to my li'l siblings to distract them from what was happening outside. I also wrote them down painstakingly... i wish i had those notebooks now!

As a teenager I made stories about a crush I had and told them to my sis and my cousin. We'd have long sessions and I would think about scenarios that I could develop next. (Not that the crush ever got to know!). I played pranks and made up stories in phony letters to a cousin (of course all of us were in this together).

Work wise I was happiest when i was a trainer and could tell stories to people who could not get away from them (evil grin). I still make up stories in my head and sometimes i pen them down. Haven't hit on that one bright idea yet that'll make me a novelist, but i think i get by as a blogger!

It's such a closure to finally know what you must be.. and now that I've settled on this idea I guess gaurav will have better weekends :D

A tribute to my women

This post has immense possibility to backfire on me and not least because some people who aren't mentioned here might take offence. This post is based on an assumption that I know these women and know them well enough to write about them and call them 'My Women'. It's not arrogance when I say that, it's more a sense of belonging and connectedness that I rarely feel for people.

Some things that are common in all these women are that they are strong yet vulnerable sometimes, independent yet needy sometimes, caring yet capable of lashing back, and most of all their immense capability to love and hate from all their heart. Sometimes I've got a glimpse of their vulnerabilities and always I have seen the heroic smile that they put on to never ever let anyone know that they hurt too. I've seen them cry, I've seen them hurt and on all of them I've seen the look of determination to put it all behind them and walk on. They personify life for me and in some way or the other they have made a dent in my life.

Obviously the top one in my list is my mother, though there is no particular order to the list after that.

Mom - It won't be cliched to say that I won't be here but for her, because I mean it in more ways than her just giving birth to me. She's the one who taught me that life is cruel and it hurts, she's the one who reassured that still it's more than worth your while to live with gusto. My mom, the indefatigable bundle of energy who can never sit idle and won't let you sit idle either, mom - who has this insatiable desire to learn anything and everything and the daredevil in her that would try out anything at least once. I could write a book on her and a paragraph in a blog can never do her justice. Enough to say that I am what I am because she lived her life for us, she fought for us, cried for us, starved for us and gave us every ounce of her life blood. So for that and much more she is and will always be on the top of this list.

Taiji - She inspires me because she made her choices in life and stuck to them. She chose what was best for her and her children. I admire her intellect, her grit, determination and practicality and her endless servings of tea and toast on those warm summer mornings :). I learnt to bake my first cake from her and I can still remember the story of 'Mishka and his porridge' that she told us to make us finish our food :).

Puja - My childhood friend and one of the only one who's lasted from school days. We are crazy together. We are crazy otherwise too. We meet often after years and after hours of non-stop yapping it is as if that gap was never there. I sometimes feel that our lives have run a parallel course in some ways. And though we can be poles apart in how we might deal with certain things, we feel the same way about them. She has nerves of steel and a temper to match. Mess with her at your own peril. She's fiercely independent and no nonsense sorts, loves dogs (and cats), doesn't know the meaning of time and bounces back every time life deals her a low hand. When I am feeling low I know this is one person I can reach out to and talk about any random thing for an immediate dose of laughter and cheer. She's the awesomest friend :) and a potential adopter of any children I might have :p

Sarah - My senior in college and the first person to rag me (A terrible ragger btw - not convincing at all because of the smile that was lurking behind that 'I am mean' look). Later she sort of adopted me and I've had countless cups of tea and midnight Maggie sessions in her hostel room. She's a brat who loves to mother you and probably after she's played a prank on you she'll cook you a brilliant meal. Her cooking is to die for and I feel we connect over our love for food, aesthetics and all things good in life. She's HOT (her legs are to die for!), she's a brilliant story teller, a great friend and a book lover. She's clobbered an eve-teaser for me, she's given me boyfriend advise, and we've gossipped away many a long hours. She's someone whom I know will be my support system anytime I need one.

Manjri - My roommate in college. She's stable, practical, sensible and completely crazy. Her best attribute is that she doesn't judge people. She accepts them for what they are and probably that's what is most important to me. She'll not tell you the right from wrong, because that's for you to decide, but in case you feel you've done wrong and fallen in a ditch, she'll be the first one to come and pull you out (Puja will probably be in the ditch with me!). She is completely dedicated to her work, does things that must be done, is always there to help anyone who needs her help. We've shared breezers together on windowsills, we've roamed the roads in the wee hours of the morning, we've given each other back rubs and miscellaneous beauty treatments. Somehow in all the craziness she's the voice of reason in my head, and though over years we've not met so often, there is always a feeling of connect that I have.

Kanu - My sister. She thinks since I am married I might as well be dead. I've blipped out of her radar that only detects excessively energetic people. She always has a gang of friends. She has a knack of attracting psychos too (not the friends). She can't cook to save her life and I've probably never met anyone crazier than her. I've bullied her, fought with her and lectured her. She's bawled her eyes out a couple of times. She's hit me more than she's bawled. She's fiery and temperamental. She's super emotional and can be shockingly rude. We don't meet as often as siblings should, we don't talk perhaps as often as siblings should.  I don't know her dreams, I don't know her thoughts, I know she's seen a few downs in her life, but she's dealt with them. What I know is that though she'll always be a 'younger sis' to me, she's a strong woman who, once she knows what she wants goes after it with vengeance and also once she knows what she doesn't want can get rid of it in a hurry. To this one I am forever connected.

Garima - She's the one who can blackmail me anytime she wants! She knows perhaps every little detail of my life and vice versa. We've spent 3 decades together and have managed to love each other to distraction :). I've tormented her with pranks, lectured her on life, yelled at her in despair for she is a perpetual dreamer. I've fought with her to get her to bridge dreams and reality but with no success. She's a bookworm, an idealist (which dreamer is not!) and a romantic. She's courageous enough to be a mother. She is passionate about things she wants to do. She is a dancer at heart. And though sometimes she disappoints me with letting go of things that I know she wants, it's patience that i have learnt from her. That and fortitude. I know she is my sympathetic ear and a pillar that will help me lessen any burden that i carry.

Karishma - The sweetest person I've ever known. She's innocence personified. We've been following each other for years now through 3 companies and 3 cities. We have a lot in common - we both dream about clothes, we both love to shop, we both are 'tea people', we hate to talk in mornings, we both suffer from headaches. Other than that I am fat, she's thin :p. She's adorable when drunk (otherwise too), loves her friends, has a rosy view of life and always does the right thing by people. Her house is always open for everyone and it's almost always full of people. She has a spare room for me and I'm planning to move in soon :p

Juveria - This is not because she follows my blog; this is because the little I know her, I've really come to admire her. Though it's been a short time spent together, I like the way she does things she wants to do. The photography, the trips, the events she attend, the circle of friends, the work with children all paint a picture that though a bit hazy for me is something i know is beautiful. I love the way she lives life without the need for anyone's approval which is something I lack. I think this will be my one learning from her - do things you want to do, whether it conforms to how others want you to be or not! Our acquaintance has been short, but she definitely makes it to my list.

There have been others, who've played a very important role in my life, who've loved me, helped me, supported me, added that smile to my day! To all of those women too I owe a bit of myself. Thank you all for being there for me :)
  

Help me take a break

I'm someone who got tangled in the fast pace of life. And I am someone who loves the fast pace of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stop and smell the flowers as they say, then I just shake my head and move on.

What ever I do ( and I need to do something at every point in time) I do it with a fierce interest. OK, it might not be very visible to some because I'm not that in to demonstrating my emotions. But the fact is that if i am involved in something it takes my whole being. Like when I had a urge to learn the guitar, I just played it day and night; like when I write, i just type away pages and pages, and when I read I am oblivious of anything else. When I party I can go on dancing, when I cry I cannot stop the tears. I laugh till my sides hurt. I love wholeheartedly and I hate worse than I love. I am jealous when others have what I want, I am angry when that is rightfully mine, I am competitive and I'd rather die than be nowhere in the race. I need people around me, I love throngs, I love to watch the world go around - all hectic and full of purpose. I cannot tolerate lazy bums, I want to scream at people who take all day to do a simple thing, I detest people who cannot make decisions. I like the fasttrack ads, and I need a life that is on the fast track. After all, I've spent 30 years here. I don't have many more to go!

What I don't know is how to take a break? What is taking a break? It's not a vacation for me, it's not a lazy day at home, it's not 'taking it easy'... these things perhaps drive me madder than I am! I cannot sit around doing nothing. It fills my head with thoughts and there is no taking a break from thoughts. Please don't talk about meditation, it's only for people who can sit still. I fidget, there is no nirvana for me. As I read on a facebook post "C'mon inner peace... i don't have all day".

There are very few who understand my restlessness. "What's the rush" they ask. And I want to yell back at them "Why are you NOT in a rush". I wonder at people who live the same day over and over again - get up, get ready, go to office, work, come home, work, eat, sleep, get up. How can they not see that there is so much more to be done. SO much more than a weekend routine of going out with the same people at the same place for the same brand of alcohol and the same old stories! They seem so unaffected by life or the things that happen to them! They take everything in stride - a bad day at work, a messy relationship, money troubles, health troubles. I don't know how! For me, every small thing that happens to me just unhinges my life. If I have some work related problems, they will permeate into everything else that's happening with me or around me. And I cannot keep my problems to myself - I have to tell the world I am suffering and why. If I am miserable, others around me must be miserable too. If I am happy I'll go around spreading the joy. I get upset when those who should know me do not understand.

But all this obviously leads to a lot of chaos. Someone once told me "Why is it always extremes with you? Why can't you be normal?" I guess I ask myself that question too, but then there is always something that catches my attention and off I must go to do that. Maybe it's time to answer that question. Maybe you can help?

I think this is the most honest thing I've written about myself, and only because I really need help. I need to take a break and someone must teach me HOW!

How hugs redefine the universe

There is nothing so bad that a nice hug can't make better. There's something nice and warm and cosy in a hug that tells you so many things at once "I'm there for you", "I'll catch you if you fall", "everything will be alright", "you'll get through this", "I'm so happy to see you", "i love you", "i missed you", "I'm sorry", "goodbye", "till we meet again". There is so much that a hug can say that words can probably never convey.

A hug has a comforting smell, a feeling of closeness with another human being, that just makes you forget all your troubles and just breathe in the sense of security and that of being wanted.

There are so many things a hug has helped me get over: The first bruised knee, the first bruised ego, the first taste of family fights, the first lover's tiff, a bad day at office, a fight with a friend.... the list is endless!

Maybe I am just a touchy feely person, but a hug makes everything that's  wrong; right instantly. Maybe I am just needy, but a hug makes me feel wanted. And I'm sure the people who started "free hugs" or thought up a "jadoo ki jhappi" felt the power of a hug to redefine the universe.

Well, I need a hug now :)

The elusive romance

I was never the flowers n chocolates kind.  I'd rather have books than flowers and probably a chocolate making kit than chocolates. And not really into candle light dinners either. I like to read my menu and see my food. Not in for long calls and mushy sms either. My ears ache after a while and I just don't know what to say! And for messages I'm more of a mean, sarcastic and scathing kind than mushy. I hate surprises, cannot remember anniversaries and absolutely detest public scenes. Probably my practical and humourless nature just gets in the way of that kind of romance.

So over the years I've been accused of not knowing the worth of a relationship, or not appreciating the beauty of a gesture, and sometimes just being a spoil sport. Well, in my defence, I do like a well done romance ;).. Just my way. There are things I find comfort in and those are the ones I cherish most; more than random flowers which to some people are a way to correct any wrong.

While driving back from work today I drew up a list of things that are romance for me. And here they are:

1) When we cook something special side by side

2) When we do a crossword together on a lazy Sunday

3) When you come home after a long day to a bear hug

4) When you paint my nails

5) Having a breakfast in bed

6) Getting drenched in the rain and then warming up with a cup of tea in a cosy blanket

7) Getting a hobby together

8) Drinking wine and reading a book together

9) Sitting and watching the sea

10) That unexpected kiss..

11) That shared laugh just between the two of u

12) That look of understanding....

But life is so busy that these small things sometime just slip through your fingers...and one has to make an effort to hold on...these are the things that make me cherish the moment and the memory.. And these never go in to the dustbin like faded flowers!

Inked for life

Finally after 10 years of waiting I got my wish! Yes, I've been inked for life. And my chosen companion is a phoenix. I didn't know what I wanted till I saw it, and then it was suddenly clear that THIS was what I was looking for.

A bit of R&D and I finally went to a tattoo artist recommended by a friend. Surprisingly the design fit in my budget as well. So the date was set and the wait began. Y wait? Because apparently everyone wants a tattoo and that place was swamped with appointments. The only slot I could get was 3 days later at 9:00pm!

It's tough for me to wait and with something that is alien to you! There is no way to know how much it'll hurt till the needle actually touches u. To think about it for 3 more days didn't help. I don't really have a high pain threshold. And I wondered how the hell am I gonna endure it for 1.5 hrs!Well when it started it actually went on for 3 hrs!! Apparently I drink a lot and hence my skin does not absorb color well. So he really had to drill it over and over again to get some ink to stay. And THAT hurt like hell, especially in the last 1 hour. And I still have to go for a touch-up after 3 weeks.

But the end result was awesome and totally worth it! So now I have a beautiful phoenix on my back that constantly reminds me that anytime everything burns down and I am down in the dumps I can pick myself up from the ashes and fly again. And that is a very comforting thought :)

The business of god

Those believers of rote and ritual will probably not like this post, but I write what I feel and see around me.

God is just a business today, and a very profitable one at that. The number of gurus, maas, ashrams and ways to nirvaana that have sprung up in the last few decades is astonishing. What's more is that they survive purely based on donations, and some hefty ones at that. One you have latched on to a rich businessman or a politician, you are all set to succeed in the path of becoming a god man.

These so called messengers of god own wealth equal to kings of yore. Be it land, gold, precious stones, latest gadgets, swanky vehicles or private armies, name it and they have it. What bugs the hell out of me is the gullible crowds whose blind belief crowns these thieves into god men.

Nityananda is just one highlighted case in recent times, and it is a high profile one. But swindlers in the name of god are present across the socio-economic strata. Do this puja for 25,000 and your child will get a good admission, give this prasad of 5,000 and you'll get a job or a husband or what-not. Just a few weeks ago I had gone to this trip to the north east and as usual temples were a part of sight seeing. It's so obvious there, priests counting cash from donations instead of praying, blatantly asking for dakshina even to let you see the idol. Disgusting!

For me, god can never be this. God is in a place which is peaceful, serene, beautiful, and where your soul comes to rest, separated from the chaos outside. THAT can never be achieved in these temples of today that are so commercialised by a population of lazy, good for nothings who expect to be fed and clothed and idolised just for some mumbo-jumbo they utter at rituals that are outdated in the current context.

Well there is nothing to be done about it, these things are so deeply set in people's physche that talking about it makes no sense to them. In any case, to each his own, and I say no to such a god and such means of getting his attention!

That's not how I remember it

Memory is such a flippant thing. And recollection is worse. It's tough to find 2 people who remember an incident just as it happened. In fact, what actually happened, and what could be recollected by the above 2, would be 3 different things altogether. Imagine, if it were so easy to recall things, it would make the work of policemen and evidence gatherers much easier. Because then they'll be able to get matching testimonies to an event much quicker. It'll also be easier to settle disputes, transactions, return favors and what not.

But keeping the practical applications aside, this fickleness of memory lulls us in to a sense of delusion. Remember the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder". It's precisely because of our inability to recall events exactly as they happened. The brain automatically adds frills and ribbons to the reality at each instance that we think about it. Hence, a person who is far away looks that much nicer in retrospect than he/ she did in actual presence.

This false sense of exaggeration of something that happened in the past makes us either remember it with sharp positive or negative feelings or to forget it altogether.

So, how do we know what was (or what now seems) so important to us is also equally important to other parties involved in the event? What if we remember something with fond memories and the others have totally forgotten about it? That must have happened to you at some point in time. When you share something and the other one says "That's not how i remember it!"

More importantly, who knows what actually happened... in a world where your own mind plays tricks on you!

I am woman

I just LOVE this song (by Helen Reddy)....Soooo true!

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

That little box in my heart

Sometimes sitting alone I take out a little box in my heart and wipe away the dust. It's made of carved wood and is a little chipped at the edges. The hinges are a little rusty... I don't open it often enough. Where is the time to be alone now-a-days.

As it creaks open, the contents spill out and fill my heart. I suppose the box is too small for 3 decades of memories.

There are good things and bad, things that make me laugh and some that make me cry. There are old letters, falling apart at the creases, ink fading away with time. No matter, I can still read them as if they were written today. There are pranks that we played, giggling away from the bottom of the box. There are games with long lost friends, bicycle rides through unknown lanes, there are fetes and functions, weddings and some funerals. There are tears of losing a pet and delights of a new keyboard. There are heartbreaks and heartaches, flowers and chocolates, gossips and dreams, dates and fairy tales.

It's time to close too soon :). Chores call and the box is back in its recess. But it's left me with a warm glow to tide me through the day :)

The best time to blog

For me, the best time to write is during the morning trip to office. There are so many thoughts floating around in my head, so many ideas. Just looking at the happenings around me, there is so much that i want to write about. However, as i am driving, there is nothing much i can do about it and by the time i reach office, all those ideas are lost in the thousand things that need attention. Coming back home drained in the evening is not a very happening time to try and remember those lovely things, much less write about them.

So, here i end up with a random post on when I would like to write my blogs. Mumbai was a good time for this. The train ride was such an inspiration to type away my thoughts on the phone. I wish i could do that here. Or perhaps, get a Dictaphone, or one of the voice recognition thingies that would help me just talk it out and post it :D

What an idea sirjee.. Adding another thing to my wishlist....

Meanwhile, i have been planning to write something for a while, the thoughts are there... maybe I'll just pen them in this weekend!

Travel woes

You know what I should be writing about? The awesome time I had in the recent trip to the north east. The beautiful scenery, an awesome wedding and a get together with friends and family. But no... I am going to shelve that for now and CRIB. Crib about how harrowing these past few weeks have been and the trials and travails of a working woman juggling work, family, travel, house work and a TV addict husband.

I took 12 days off work (well technically 7, but including weekends and may day - 12) all ready and set to conquer the north east... Never mind that I am motion sick and most of it was going to be a road trip. More about that in the post where I actually talk about the travel.

Anyone would think that after this break I would be all refreshed and ready to take on life's challenges with a fresh gusto. Hell no! Bone tired and desperately in need of sleep I came back to a house full of 2 weeks dust, only to realise that the maid would no longer be coming! GOD! why me?

After spending 2 days of dusting, cleaning, arranging every inch of the house and doing tons of laundry I finally collapsed on Sunday night - NOT looking forward to the next day. Can you imagine the amount of work that accumulates in just a few days? And takes a lifetime to get your head around it and clear it! After just 3 days of trying to sort the office work and juggling the house all this while (still no maid or cook mind you) I had to rush back to take another trip - this time to a village some 500Kms away from Bangalore. After a rocky ride we arrived far away from all urban luxury in a 150 year old village house (I shall not say any more on this for the fear of domestic violence). 4 gruelling days later, came back to a house flooded with rain water! (remember, I had JUST cleaned it).

Thankfully found a maid the next day who agreed to come and work with a 30% hike over the previous one. 30%, for an hours work! i don't remember when i got that much of a hike!

Anyway, so I thought it's all settled, let me concentrate on work now (while making breakfasts, lunches and dinners) and Voila... more trouble. A RAT! can you believe it! A RAT got in to my precious car (*&%$#@) and CHEWED up some spongy stuff inside the dashboard. The Honda guys are now asking 6 f***** thousand bucks to repair the damage and another 5,000 to install a mesh that'll not let the rat get in again!!! Bl**dy robbers.... shouldn't they install rodent protection meshes before they sell you the car? This is India after all - there are rodents everywhere. Stuff and nonsense! So i am shelling out this money from my non-existent funds and my dreams of replacing the sofa in my house have shattered with this one phone call.

I am starting a fund here. Those of you, moved by my story of trials and deprivations, please contribute. You can express your willingness to donate to the SOFA FUND via a comment and we'll reach out to you and grab the money before you change your mind.

Toodleoo now! Ah! i feel so much better after writing all this! Phew!

It's raining babies

Maybe I am at that "age"... I’d rather call it "turn of life"... so maybe I’m at that turn of life where everyone I know is busy reproducing. It's raining babies. As I write here I know 4 women who are in various stages of pregnancy and 1 who has just delivered an adorable baby girl. God only knows how many are yet to "come out" and reveal their secrets after the 3 month silent period is over.

That's one interesting thing... I am learning about so much baby stuff without having to go through any of it (except the fun part of course)... take this concept of "3 months silent period". Apparently telling people you are pregnant before the first 3 months are over is bad luck.. so u can't tell people you are pregnant unless they specifically ask you.. even when you know that they know that you are pregnant.. u still can't tell them that u are expecting a bundle of joy... the lesson learnt here is - ask every married woman every year if she is pregnant... or "preggy" the current cool term.

The next is baby showers... I've just had the honor of attending one... and quite frankly it was a revelation. Till now I was an ignorant fool whose only idea about a baby shower was the traditional "goad bharai"… that shower opened my eyes to a world of endless possibility. I am due to attend another one shortly, where I can hopefully apply my new found skills of identifying the smashed chocolate brand in a diaper.

Of course one cannot forget gifting… what does one buy a new born baby that its loving parents have not already bought? Trust me “Mom n me” store offers you NO IDEAS. (Btw… that irritating shop assistant thought that I was pregnant…excuse me miss…that’s just my tummy and I like it that way…@#$&!)

Well I am still thinking of 4 gifts that I need to buy now… let me get to the task and leave you to reminisce about your baby experiences.

Women who walk that road...

The route I usually take to office has these cloth factories tucked away behind non-descript facades. Sometimes, when I am late, I find it transformed. Half an hour's delay casts me in the middle of a sea of humanity.

Waves of women, walking, some running… to work. All hues and shades, brightly colored sarees, salwar suits, some with purses, some without, all with well oiled, neatly tied hair with a sprig of flowers tucked in with a pin.


They walk as if in a daze, I’ve never seen one smile. They don't talk... masses of women, and not a word spoken. They have this purposeful stride, they have to get to the factory on time, else they lose their wages.


When I look at them, I wonder... what are their lives like? These working women, who are so different than you and I... who walk miles to get to that factory and work like machines from 9-5?


They don't have air conditioned offices, respectful colleagues, cars to drive to work in, maids to run errands, hot food and warm beds waiting at home. And I picture what their day would be like... getting up at 5 in the morning, cook, clean, stand in line for water probably, send the kids to school, the husband to work. Rush through their toilette and start the long walk to work.

Work with the leering manager hovering around and scowling at every tea break. Stand the long hours under the hot tin roof and the lint filling their nostrils. Walk back to the house with its endless chores, the hungry children to be fed, the gods to be prayed, and probably a drunken horny husband waiting to be laid.


How do they survive? Do they have time to look for meaning in their lives? Do they know what boredom is? Do they "hang out" with friends? Have they ever taken a "hobby class"? Gone out to eat? Stayed in bed a Saturday morning? Read a book over Sunday brunch? Do they do any of the things we take for granted?

And when I think of all this, I wonder... we have so much... yet we make so little of it. I get restless on weekends; because I have nothing to do... would I swap for a day of back breaking thankless work? I fidget if I don't hang out with my friends. I get angry if the chores I do are not appreciated. I want "me time" and "space" and I like to "do my own thing". Do these women do that?


Maybe, they are there as a reminder to me... to be thankful for what I have and to make the most of it... But sometimes... it's so easy to forget and look the other way!

New year resolutions

So the year has started in full swing and there have been talks of turning over a new leaf... every year I resolve that I will think up some resolutions and stick to them... haven't been able to do that even once yet. This after reading some crackpot articles on how to make resolutions and follow them. Gah... where do people come up with such stuff from???

Anyway, this year I am putting some down in writing and let's see how I hold up:

1. Don't talk about money unless absolutely necessary (note the condition of necessity) - this is to stop my endless cribbing about money.. i.e. the lack of it


2. Stop pestering the hubby - tough one this... but I shall try. Especially since my birthday is coming up I shall try to bear with his surprise with equanimity and not lose my cool.... OOOOMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm


3. Take a calcium supplement daily - getting on in years.. need to reinforce ye olde bones


4. Click a lot more pictures - Being camera shy and totally un-photogenic I suffer from a chronic lack of photos of me in any kind of scenario. I shall remedy that this year so as to leave some mementos for posterity.


5. Be nice, Be social - somewhat on the lines of resolution 2, this is for the random junta. I realize I can be quite mean, nasty and uncommunicative. I will try to be nice unless such nicety is likely to have me tearing my hair..

5 is a good number don't you think? According to all those articles (see ref above) you should make a limited number of resolutions. That way you get to break less ;)

Anyway, so i'm done with my list. What have you resolved to do this year?

Dark December

I usually try to abstain from weepy posts.. but this couldn't be helped... call it PMS.
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Another year ends; the 30th I have seen. Was there something special about this one? What made it different from the others that went before it? Why is there no sense of achievement? Of having done something new? Why is life still stuck in the little, it-matters-not, kind of complexity that makes living so difficult?

What is it that I am looking for? Peace? Money? A hobby? Companionship? What defines happiness for me? It's really strange that I cannot answer that question after 30 years of apparently knowing myself!

Life is half done. We get but10 years to live, and I have squandered them away. If I make a list of things I wanted to do…it would have a lot of things still undone. I struggle with this sense of disappointment at how life has turned out. A sense of loss for all the wasted potential, a sense of wonderment at the stupidity of it all.

I need to question myself.. Why do I run from people who care about me? Why do I run after things that I cannot have? If things are more important to me than people, then what does it make me? Insensitive? Materialistic? Or is that what I really am?

Sometimes I feel that pretending to be something that I am not has grown so much over me that I myself no longer know who I am! Am I pretending now? Or is this the real me? And what does the real me want?

Sigh.. Maybe I am just feeling this way because it’s almost a weekend and I really really hate weekends. Nothing to do, nowhere to go and imprisoned in a room for 2 days is not my idea of a great time. I don't know where all my friends have melted away..

Life just sucks today! Maybe tomorrow is a better day!

Missing Winters

It's December in Bangalore; apparently winter is here. Not that I can feel it! This place has nothing of what December means to me. A small list for your benefit:

1. Heavy blankets


2. Layers of woolens, socks and gloves, caps and mufflers


3. Hot cups of ginger tea


4. Hot roasted peanuts, fresh off the stove, that you shelled and munched away the entire evening


5. Gajak - the sweet jaggery and sesame savory.....


6. The early morning fog, when it was impossible to see your own hands in front of your face


7. The cold wind that froze ur lips and literally formed icicles on your nose


8. The burst of freshness when you breathed in the chilled air!


9. Those mornings, sitting on the roof with a book and chasing that sunbeam around.


10. Those last rays of sun in the evening with which you desperately tried to warm your socks.


11. Going to school, on a two wheeler, singing songs with chattering teeth to drive away the cold.


12. The hot oil massages and steaming baths.


13. The dry fruits that mom stuffed in your pockets to munch away the whole day


14. Cuddling together at nights to warm each other. Pushing away some one's icy toes


15. Dancing around and cooking on the bonfires

ooh.. there are sooo many memories.... I wish i could get the taste of that winter again :)

Guess it's time to go home!

The wannabes and whatnots

Probably the last thing a blogger should write about is people with opinions, worse still, people with opinions that they foist on others. Er. helloo... YOU are writing a blog..YOU are foisting your opinion on the entire world.. well at least those who come and read your blog that is.

In any case.. I will commit this grave error and write about how I hate people who have an opinion on everything from the perfect color of one's hair to the brand of underwear one should be wearing. Also in parallel, I want to take out my ire on people who pretend to be what they are not and hence become wannabes from being someone. Lost it? well these 2 categories more or less overlap each other as you can see from the diagram below (I have learnt that diagrams make any statement 10 times more impressive and believable, so in case you were not getting the point, its true because of the diagram)

The problem with this species, henceforth referred to as "insufferables" is that either they know too much of what they want and want others to want exactly that OR they really don't know anything and just try to ape what's the latest buzz. There are people who are cool and then there are the insufferables who want to be cool.

Have I said too much? Well I will leave you to mull over this while I give you some scenarios where you find these people (Warning: THEY ARE EVERYWHERE). Someone who makes a big fuss while ordering wine in a shady establishment, people who debate about the coolest music and change their opinion as soon as the music critics do, people who debate on the right/wrong of gay rights and refuse to acknowledge the individuality of the argument, people who pretend to know more than they actually do, people who come back from ONE foreign trip with an accent, people who get the accent in 10 days of the trip and refuse to let it go after 10 years. I can possibly fill pages with these examples but I am assuming your patience is at an end.

Have you met one of these? Share your story and let's have a chuckle together :)

Things to do....

My mom always said "time runs out in a blink, so make the most of the time you have"... and like most things mom's say this one is right as well.

Maybe it was her energy and her zeal to do things that we caught our maybe it's just the time bug.. but I'm bitten for sure. Yes, I have wasted quite a few precious years, but I've always had this restlessness in me... the urge to do something.

I detest people who just sit and yap, who are happy with their day to day lives never bothering about the bigger picture. I don't want to be just another cog in the wheel. And by this, I don't mean I want to be rich and famous, or a celebrity or whatnot...I just want to learn a LOT! know about every damn thing there is to know. It bothers me that I have missed so many chances, so many things that I can never do again. And time still runs by... difficult to catch even for a moment.

I have this need to do things, and I hate it when I can't because there are other things to be done that other people want. If it were up to me.. I'd be a painter, or a writer or a designer, or a dancer or at least a linguist. And yes, I agree... it IS up to me.. the fact that I am bogged down in MY mundane daily life is my doing too.. it drives me mad to not be able to get out of the routine.. go to office come back home, go to office come back home.. I want to meet new people every day. I want to make new friends, I want to go visit places and stay where it suits me for as long as it does. Some may call it a "hippy" tendency.. I just feel I have it in my genes.. and there is nothing that I can do about it.

As I write this, time is slipping by, but at least i have put my thoughts down, at least there is something to show for this time. It bothers me that others are not conscious of this passage of time, that they waste time in minor bickering, and protocols and how things are done, or just watching TV while life is passing by.

When I say I don't just wanna be another cog in the wheel, I mean I want to give something back... in however small a way.. and I think it's never a better time to start than now!

I've had these thoughts swirling in my head for sometime.. and writing this post has probably helped me more than anyone (of course).. at least I have put a name to my priority.. i.e. to live a good life... Let's see where this takes me now :)

Bangalore - Then and Now

When I came to Bangalore (a looooonnnng time ago) it was like an oasis for someone coming from a desert (literally). I loved everything here, the weather, the roads, the lifestyle, the people, the order and yet the chaos. It was beautiful and I wanted to stay here forever... in fact i was so reluctant to leave that even after 2 years in the maximum city Mumbai.. i longed to come back to this peaceful, beautiful, paradise...

Fast forward to NOW! looks like I've got my wish and I'm stuck here for good! Imagine my plight when i came back to Bangalore to find it a mess that it is today. The weather is sure awesome still.. but they have SUMMERS now!!! when earlier the word had no meaning here.. the order has given way to chaos.. and the growing city is literally bursting at seams because the so called "planners" left no place to let some stitches out and allow the city to breathe. There is no plan to this city now... things are just mushrooming everywhere... infrastructure, utilities, rules, law and order... are all not "thought out" but a whim or fancy of some politician or the other.

There are more potholes than roads, the metro is a toy train, electricity isn't 24/7, roads are flooded in minor rains... let's not talk about the auto drivers, petrol prices and the north south divide....overall.. on a roller coaster for doom... prediction - will not be livable in another 3 years....

So my paradise has gone to hell... and I'm back here.. thank god for the people though :)