Thursday, February 14, 2013

The cinderella shoes

When the world is blue
and I can't seem to find my rose tinted glasses,
When the evenings stretch endless
I step into my Cinderella shoes and go dancing.

When the prince charming is missing
and fairy tales gather dust,
When loneliness creeps in with the shadows
I step into my Cinderella shoes and go dancing.


When diamonds lose their sparkle
and stars lose their sheen,
When twinkle dims in my eyes
I step into my Cinderella shoes and go dancing.


With rouge on my cheeks
and gloss on my lips,
With a shimmery dress and blow dried hair
I step into my Cinderella shoes and go dancing.


I sway with the music
and hear the beat pounding in my ears,
As I step into my Cinderella shoes and go dancing
the world is suddenly a better place.








Monday, February 11, 2013

The winner takes it all

"Mamma Mia' was on ZStudio today. So had to share this....

I don't want to talk

About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history

I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The Gods may throw the dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain?

Tell me, does she kiss?
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same?
When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But, what can I say?
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low


The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't want to talk
'Cos it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence, but you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

The winner takes it all

Friday, February 01, 2013

Memoirs of a Geisha

"Whatever our struggles and triumphs,
however we may suffer them,
all too soon they bleed into a wash,
just like watery ink on paper."

A very well worn copy of this book by Arthur Golden sits on my bookshelf.  I have leafed through it a hundred times to read excerpts or certain sections that I love. Being a popular book, I am sure most people know of this story inspired by the Geisha of Gion. There have been critics who have said that it idealises the life of a geisha and portrays it in a far more positive light than the reality. So be it. Books for me ARE an escape from reality, a journey in to a new place where you bring characters to life. Arthur Golden has done just that. It's beautiful writing, almost a sorrowful melody. One can picture little Chiyo running to the 'tipsy little house' on the hill and Sayuri dancing her life story in the streets, Okiya and tea houses of Gion.

When you peep beyond the exterior of the story - girl is sold as a Geisha and how she struggles through this life - you find a beautiful narrative of hope, patience and a stoic resolve. And the whole book is studded with beautiful quotes. One I can most relate to is:

"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so hopeless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it."

And I like that it has a happy ending. It makes you retain your faith in life. It tells you that your struggles will bear fruit one day.

I'd recommend it any day!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Rumpelstiltskin

Most of us have heard of Rumpelstiltskin, the mean imp who wanted to steal the queen's first born. At least that's what the story leads us to believe. I am not sure of the moral of these stories but for me it's all the wrong things. It basically tells us the following:
  1. Your over ambitious parents can commit anything on your behalf and land you in trouble
  2. The stupid rulers will believe any s*** anyone tells them and harass the 'junta'
  3. Imps appear magically to help when one is in deep trouble (never seen one!)
  4. When an a****** who wanted to kill you wants to marry you for the gold you can spin it makes everything alright (dowry harassment anyone?)
  5. One can be stupid enough to fall in love with the above a****** and happily make babies
  6. When the poor imp who saved your life comes back to be paid for his services, you call him evil. Who was it who made the stupid promise anyways??
  7. Ultimately using all the resources you have you sneakily deceive the same guy who helped you in dire need and be very happy about it.
RIDICULOUS!!!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thrissur Travails

No, I did not mean 'Travels', and I do hope someone appreciates our 'Travails' in making it to the wedding, although after it was over.

This trip was a bagful of 'firsts' as my fellow travellers will attest (unfortunately i cannot disclose details here). We left Bangalore at 5:00am for a 470km trip with just enough fuel in the car for 80kms. Obviously, didn't find a gas station till just the last few drops were left. Happy at getting the fuel, we zoomed, determine to make it to Thrissur in less than 10 hours - and hit a dog! A first that left the dog dead and my number plate broken. Shaken and shivering we tried to forget the incident, but Ved wouldn't let us!! Lord have no mercy on him.

By 6:30 we were starving, so took a detour in to Salem and stuffed ourselves for an hour. I will take the TN food any day over Bangalore. Then it was my turn to drive, as expected the world was awake, pedestrians were busy crossing roads, traffic was building up and the roads weren't getting any better. Finally, we made it to God's own country, without so much as a speck of scenic beauty (another one of the many lies told by our host to lure us there). Picked up beers that cost a lot, filled fuel that cost a lot less and had a brilliant lunch that made us super drowsy. Landed up at the hotel at 3:30 and were greeted by a 30 second appearance of the groom, not looking very groomy. Our host was a man of few words. All he could manage was "Wow! i can't believe you are here", thrice! not a peep from him otherwise in all of 1.5 days.

We noticed our hotel offered 'aurvedic massages' and rushed to get pampered and massaged and rested. For a long term massage veteran like me, it was a tad brutal while our resident 'Massage Virgin' has been scarred for life (saying any more on that has been prohibited on a death threat, so I shall desist). It did make us very sleepy though and rubbished all our sight seeing plans. We got out of our rooms at 9:00 only to be told that the town shuts at 8:00. Desperate and hungry we roamed the streets at night looking for a few scraps of food (sniff.. :( it was heartbreaking). Anyway, for those in our predicament we would recommend 'Hotel Akshaya' open till 1:00am with brilliant food.

Back to the hotel and into a deep sleep; we managed to get up at 9:00am. Our friend was already married by then! Still, hurried to get ready and reach the venue 25kms away only to get stuck in a traffic jam. Arrived at the venue to squeeze in one of the last pictures before they got off the stage for lunch. Since we had a late breakfast, couldn't eat a bite of lunch, which I am told was delicious. I did have the payasam though, which was indeed nice.


Got a scolding for being late so feeling really bad we thought we'll rush back and get ready for the reception early (we did it!). So afternoon sight seeing plans were dropped in favour of chilled beers and peanuts in the room and some mallu songs for the ambiance. Reached the reception before the wedded couple (phew!) and duly registered our attendance with a pic. No food again, 6:30 was a bit early after those beers and snacks and we were buzzed.

We finally said our good byes at 8 and ran up to catch some sleep. Left at 1:00am for our journey back to Bangalore after a dinner at 'Akshaya' again. After a VERY sleepy drive and endless stops for tea made it to Bangalore at 7:30am. Ah! what a bliss it was to just sleep and close my tired, swollen eyes. Unfortunately the other 3 are at their respective offices slogging away for a living. HAHA!




Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Unlocking a smile

I unlocked a smile today and turned out 'twas a very easy thing to do. All it took me was INR 201 and agreeing to do 3 simple things. You can do it too at https://www.unlocksmiles.com/tenksmiles/home.xhtml

I've volunteered for Dream A Dream a couple of times in the past year and the experience was definitely enriching for me. Very interesting to meet these children and see their zest for life and learning. They are extremely friendly and curious and make you so comfortable when you interact with them. Language barriers don't matter at all.

I have pledge to be a more active volunteer this year and also to connect with my old friends. Looking forward to a smiling year ahead.

Monday, January 14, 2013

I found my religion

I guess I no longer have to write "Atheist" when they ask my religion while filling in forms. I've found it finally. Well it's been there all along really, and I have been a faithful follower. But the divine light shone on me while having a chat with my best friend. It was the moment when she told me that she's bought her first pair of Jimmy Choo's. And in that conversation, my life changed forever, and so did my FB status. Shopping! Yes! THAT is my new religion. And like any other religious fanatic I have many reasons why you should follow my religion and no other:
  1. It has the potential to unite 50% of humankind (do note I said 'human' not 'man' - though Gaurav can outshop me ANY day)
  2. It gives you inner peace. There is nothing like 'retail therapy' to beat the blues
  3. It gives you instant gratification. Not next life, not next year, it's here and now!
  4. There is not 'auspicious' or 'inauspicious' time to do it. Unfortunately the 'temples' (stores) aren't open 24 hours
  5. You can see where your money is going. You wish for something, pay for it, and hey it's urs. Plus the service is fabulous and sometimes you get discounts
The only unfortunate part is that religious wars may break out during 'sale' season.

Abrupt end to this blog. Very sleepy, cannot keep eyes open. But if you are a shopaholic like me.. add your reason as to why shopping should be declared a 'universal religion'.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

And then she died

It was expected. The government feared riots if she died in the Delhi hospital. So they ferried her off to Singapore. Now that she is dead, the agitation will die slowly too. India is well known for 'forgive and forget'. After all, what have we remembered? The riots and bombings? The terrorist attacks? The ill managed aid at natural disasters? We get angered when we something is staring at us in the face - like the girl fighting for her life in the Delhi hospital. But we forget soon enough. Now that she is no more will the protest marches, candle lighting continue beyond a week? I don't think so. Because people have a life to go back to. And this was just one girl. There are so many more getting raped, molested, humiliated, stripped, murdered, kidnapped, right this instant when i am writing this. And we have know about them for years. But have we done anything? Have we taught our children to respect women, our girls to fight for their rights and not keep quiet in the shadows? No. And we never will. Because these things always happen to someone else, not us. And if this is the condition of the national capital, who is to say what happens in the other parts of the country.

So the agitation will be quiet in a few days, the government will go back to debating vitally important issues such as whether the movie 'OMG' hurt religious sentiments, or whether the song 'radha likes her body' did that. And nothing would have come off the poor girls death. She would be just another name in a list of thousands that are brutalized every year.

There are so many people talking about it. Has the government done anything actionable till now? O ya, they want to release the rape database, shame the rapists etc etc. Any pray tell me whose names would be there on that list? considering 90% of these criminals would be related to the politicians, nephews, sons, cousins abusing their power over hapless women. Would they add their names and release it? Not in a hundred years! So what is to say that this database would not become another channel to abuse the government's power? Who'll add names to this database? The politicians? The policemen? Who verifies that the names entered are genuine? Or innocents would be sacrificed for someone else's misdeeds?

They'll put extra security in buses? Like all the rapes happen only in buses! What brilliant reasoning! And this security for how long? a month? 2 months? Then those guards will be called off to provide security to some useless MLA for status reasons. And the girls may go to hell. And what about cases where the guards participate in the crime. We have had many incidents of policemen and military men brutalizing women. So where is the security?

The point is, women in this country will NEVER be safe until we have a major culture and political change. It's the responsibility of EACH one of us to teach our children the value of an individual not based on their gender, caste or religion, but just for the people they are. We must teach them to respect each other and fight for everyone's rights. Not cocoon them and tell them it's not your fight. It is!

We need a government that is strong enough to take a decision and not dilly dally endlessly debating it to shreds. Comments from politicos like Mr. Mukerjee have shown us their mentality in any case. We need a government that is open minded, free thinking and citizen oriented. Out with the nincompoops I say. Strip them of their privileges, the freebies, the security and let them live a common man's life in the jungle that our society has become. I hope they are eaten by wild animals like the ones who ate the unfortunate girl on the bus.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Tomorrow I may die and it won't matter anymore

 When I wanted a tattoo I thought about it for years on end looking for that perfect design that would mean something important to me. And I found it just like that one day on google... a Phoenix (I wonder why that didn't strike me when I was reading those Harry Potters). The Phoenix was just right for me at 30, that perfect spot in time when you've been through a lot of ups and downs and know that life isn't really a bed of roses, there are no prince charmings and everyone has to work for a living (more like live for working actually!). The idea behind a bird that rises from it's ashes was symbolic that no matter what life throws at you, you can get right back up, possibly brighter than before. I liked it! And the tattoo was done. And in some twisted way it does help me deal with bigger issues in life.

But then there are these niggling little things that irk you every day, like traffic. There are small things that you want but can't get, like a wall full of books or money to go on a Europe trip or your own house (yes, yes I know there are people who don't have enough to eat and I donate for them). There are annoying people, missed deadlines, shoddy work and an always on feeling of slipping time. I never thought I was so sensitive to these things, I've always been labeled very laid back, but turns out I am, and surprisingly any small little thing can ruin my day and make me a VERY nasty person to deal with.

So why this story? All the background on what annoys me and what helps me deal with stuff? Well because one of the "small little things" happened today on my way to work and I was so pissed about it. But I have a 2 hour drive to work, that gives me loads of time to think. And while I was fuming away and in a rage fit to drive my car in to a tree, it just occurred to me.... what if i actually did that (no no I'm not suicidal) and then I'd be dead (hopefully not maimed for life). And then none of these little things would matter. All those days spent fuming away on nothing would be just that.. wasted! I won't be there and all my tantrums wouldn't have made a dent in the world, it would go on as it is, clicking away on it's not so perfect rhythm.

So I decided (a spur of the moment decision, subject to change at any time, like conditional offers) that no more wasting my precious mind space on trivial (or big) things.

Erm.. well at the end of it, my lesson for the day is: THE BACARDI SONG

Be, what you wanna be,

Taking things the way, they come,
Nothing is as nice as finding paradise and
Sitting in the summer sun.

Living live the easy way,
Got your way to let it run,
Nothing is as cool as drifting in the sun light,
Sitting in the summer sun.



Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Micchhami Dukkadam


As a self proclaimed Atheist, more a non-believer in rituals than in god, it's very strange for me to write a post in favour of a religious tradition. Don't get me wrong, i believe every religion has something good about it and maybe I'll pick and choose a few things that make sense to me in the pursuit of god and write about them.

So this post is about a tradition in Jainism, since i was brought up in this religion and since it is Samvatsari today i might as well write about why this particular tradition appeals to me (not that it always did).

If we go by history (and not by what the religious texts say) Jainism started off less as a religion and more as a common way of life for people who were shunned by the high priests of those ages. The basic tenet is "live and let live" and like most religions it teaches tolerance, forgiveness and fortitude. Samvatsari is all about Forgiveness. It's a day when you lay your disputes, quarrels and vendettas aside. You ask the forgiveness of those whom you may have hurt, knowingly or unknowingly and you forgive those who come to seek yours.

People are supposed to spend Samvatsari in reflection; thinking of what wrong might they have done to others and how can they avoid that in future. Obviously now it is a mere ritual. But sometimes it makes so much sense to just acknowledge your wrong doings and cleanse yourself of them.

So tough to say 2 words... "I'm sorry", because the worst part is to admit that you were wrong. But I've decided to do that today... If I have caused you offence in any way, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word or deed, then I seek your forgiveness.

Khamemi Savve Jiva

I forgive all living beings.
Savve Jiva Khamantu meMay all souls forgive me,
Mitti me Savva BhooesuI am friendly terms with all,
Veram Majjham Na KenviI have no animosity toward any soul.
Michchhami DukkadamMay all my faults be dissolved

MICCHHAMI DUKKADAM... may all the evil be undone.

Monday, July 30, 2012

A year of change

No clue if the world will end in 2012 or not, but it's sure changing a hell lot! Especially for me. So many new things have happened, most at work, some in life, that it's become a massive change management exercise for me.

The year began with a major turning point when I crossed over to the other side of 30. All is pretty much the same as always and it always makes me wonder how I am pretty ok with life altering events like getting married but really affected by small things like a change of team. But in any case, crossed that one milestone and managed to do a few things that I had really wanted. Got a tattoo, donated my eyes and volunteered for social work, and not in that order.

Then it was change at work, where saw a mass exodus of people I worked with, including the big boss. Still adjusting to the new ones pouring in and some more slowly leaving. Almost every week there is some one putting in their papers and there is a frantic hunt for replacements. So much of chaos that no one knows who's working on what anymore!

Some upcoming changes in lives of people I love. My cousin is about to have a baby... that's about as life altering as possible. So there's the fact to deal with that we can never go back to those fun times we had when we didn't have such responsibilities on our head. There is also a doubt if we would be able to connect to each other on the same level after this... after all... i don't understand babies!

And I also hear that my li'l sis plans to get married. Quite strange to think that and on some level quite normal too. I can see her getting married more clearly than i ever thought of my own wedding. So mom's gonna go crazy again :) (she cannot handle organising and planning) and I'd need to apply for leave.

Overall it's a little overwhelming :) and though i crave for change, I'd rather God doled it out in smaller instalments that give me some time for adjustment.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I want to be a storyteller

Weekends is usually when I sit and think what I want to do in life. Gaurav hates it.. because he knows I'll come up with something new I want to do and harass him on the 2 days that he gets to sit at home and watch TV. Well I can't blame him, but my head is always so full of things that should be done and I MUST have someone to listen to all those ideas. Mostly, they centre around what I want to do in life. That mostly comes up when I am bored. Sometimes I am amazed how easily things, people and places bore me. Well that's another topic for another day. Coming back to my weekend musings, after thinking over a lot of options, I've figured I want to be a storyteller.

Whenever I think about the happiest times or at least the most memorable times in my life, I'm always a storyteller in those. I remember when we were kids and lived in a joint family. Whenever there were fights at home (there were a lot of them... I grew up in a troubled household) I'd make up stories and tell them to my li'l siblings to distract them from what was happening outside. I also wrote them down painstakingly... i wish i had those notebooks now!

As a teenager I made stories about a crush I had and told them to my sis and my cousin. We'd have long sessions and I would think about scenarios that I could develop next. (Not that the crush ever got to know!). I played pranks and made up stories in phony letters to a cousin (of course all of us were in this together).

Work wise I was happiest when i was a trainer and could tell stories to people who could not get away from them (evil grin). I still make up stories in my head and sometimes i pen them down. Haven't hit on that one bright idea yet that'll make me a novelist, but i think i get by as a blogger!

It's such a closure to finally know what you must be.. and now that I've settled on this idea I guess gaurav will have better weekends :D

Saturday, July 21, 2012

A tribute to my women

This post has immense possibility to backfire on me and not least because some people who aren't mentioned here might take offence. This post is based on an assumption that I know these women and know them well enough to write about them and call them 'My Women'. It's not arrogance when I say that, it's more a sense of belonging and connectedness that I rarely feel for people.

Some things that are common in all these women are that they are strong yet vulnerable sometimes, independent yet needy sometimes, caring yet capable of lashing back, and most of all their immense capability to love and hate from all their heart. Sometimes I've got a glimpse of their vulnerabilities and always I have seen the heroic smile that they put on to never ever let anyone know that they hurt too. I've seen them cry, I've seen them hurt and on all of them I've seen the look of determination to put it all behind them and walk on. They personify life for me and in some way or the other they have made a dent in my life.

Obviously the top one in my list is my mother, though there is no particular order to the list after that.

Mom - It won't be cliched to say that I won't be here but for her, because I mean it in more ways than her just giving birth to me. She's the one who taught me that life is cruel and it hurts, she's the one who reassured that still it's more than worth your while to live with gusto. My mom, the indefatigable bundle of energy who can never sit idle and won't let you sit idle either, mom - who has this insatiable desire to learn anything and everything and the daredevil in her that would try out anything at least once. I could write a book on her and a paragraph in a blog can never do her justice. Enough to say that I am what I am because she lived her life for us, she fought for us, cried for us, starved for us and gave us every ounce of her life blood. So for that and much more she is and will always be on the top of this list.

Taiji - She inspires me because she made her choices in life and stuck to them. She chose what was best for her and her children. I admire her intellect, her grit, determination and practicality and her endless servings of tea and toast on those warm summer mornings :). I learnt to bake my first cake from her and I can still remember the story of 'Mishka and his porridge' that she told us to make us finish our food :).

Puja - My childhood friend and one of the only one who's lasted from school days. We are crazy together. We are crazy otherwise too. We meet often after years and after hours of non-stop yapping it is as if that gap was never there. I sometimes feel that our lives have run a parallel course in some ways. And though we can be poles apart in how we might deal with certain things, we feel the same way about them. She has nerves of steel and a temper to match. Mess with her at your own peril. She's fiercely independent and no nonsense sorts, loves dogs (and cats), doesn't know the meaning of time and bounces back every time life deals her a low hand. When I am feeling low I know this is one person I can reach out to and talk about any random thing for an immediate dose of laughter and cheer. She's the awesomest friend :) and a potential adopter of any children I might have :p

Sarah - My senior in college and the first person to rag me (A terrible ragger btw - not convincing at all because of the smile that was lurking behind that 'I am mean' look). Later she sort of adopted me and I've had countless cups of tea and midnight Maggie sessions in her hostel room. She's a brat who loves to mother you and probably after she's played a prank on you she'll cook you a brilliant meal. Her cooking is to die for and I feel we connect over our love for food, aesthetics and all things good in life. She's HOT (her legs are to die for!), she's a brilliant story teller, a great friend and a book lover. She's clobbered an eve-teaser for me, she's given me boyfriend advise, and we've gossipped away many a long hours. She's someone whom I know will be my support system anytime I need one.

Manjri - My roommate in college. She's stable, practical, sensible and completely crazy. Her best attribute is that she doesn't judge people. She accepts them for what they are and probably that's what is most important to me. She'll not tell you the right from wrong, because that's for you to decide, but in case you feel you've done wrong and fallen in a ditch, she'll be the first one to come and pull you out (Puja will probably be in the ditch with me!). She is completely dedicated to her work, does things that must be done, is always there to help anyone who needs her help. We've shared breezers together on windowsills, we've roamed the roads in the wee hours of the morning, we've given each other back rubs and miscellaneous beauty treatments. Somehow in all the craziness she's the voice of reason in my head, and though over years we've not met so often, there is always a feeling of connect that I have.

Kanu - My sister. She thinks since I am married I might as well be dead. I've blipped out of her radar that only detects excessively energetic people. She always has a gang of friends. She has a knack of attracting psychos too (not the friends). She can't cook to save her life and I've probably never met anyone crazier than her. I've bullied her, fought with her and lectured her. She's bawled her eyes out a couple of times. She's hit me more than she's bawled. She's fiery and temperamental. She's super emotional and can be shockingly rude. We don't meet as often as siblings should, we don't talk perhaps as often as siblings should.  I don't know her dreams, I don't know her thoughts, I know she's seen a few downs in her life, but she's dealt with them. What I know is that though she'll always be a 'younger sis' to me, she's a strong woman who, once she knows what she wants goes after it with vengeance and also once she knows what she doesn't want can get rid of it in a hurry. To this one I am forever connected.

Garima - She's the one who can blackmail me anytime she wants! She knows perhaps every little detail of my life and vice versa. We've spent 3 decades together and have managed to love each other to distraction :). I've tormented her with pranks, lectured her on life, yelled at her in despair for she is a perpetual dreamer. I've fought with her to get her to bridge dreams and reality but with no success. She's a bookworm, an idealist (which dreamer is not!) and a romantic. She's courageous enough to be a mother. She is passionate about things she wants to do. She is a dancer at heart. And though sometimes she disappoints me with letting go of things that I know she wants, it's patience that i have learnt from her. That and fortitude. I know she is my sympathetic ear and a pillar that will help me lessen any burden that i carry.

Karishma - The sweetest person I've ever known. She's innocence personified. We've been following each other for years now through 3 companies and 3 cities. We have a lot in common - we both dream about clothes, we both love to shop, we both are 'tea people', we hate to talk in mornings, we both suffer from headaches. Other than that I am fat, she's thin :p. She's adorable when drunk (otherwise too), loves her friends, has a rosy view of life and always does the right thing by people. Her house is always open for everyone and it's almost always full of people. She has a spare room for me and I'm planning to move in soon :p

Juveria - This is not because she follows my blog; this is because the little I know her, I've really come to admire her. Though it's been a short time spent together, I like the way she does things she wants to do. The photography, the trips, the events she attend, the circle of friends, the work with children all paint a picture that though a bit hazy for me is something i know is beautiful. I love the way she lives life without the need for anyone's approval which is something I lack. I think this will be my one learning from her - do things you want to do, whether it conforms to how others want you to be or not! Our acquaintance has been short, but she definitely makes it to my list.

There have been others, who've played a very important role in my life, who've loved me, helped me, supported me, added that smile to my day! To all of those women too I owe a bit of myself. Thank you all for being there for me :)
  

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Help me take a break

I'm someone who got tangled in the fast pace of life. And I am someone who loves the fast pace of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stop and smell the flowers as they say, then I just shake my head and move on.

What ever I do ( and I need to do something at every point in time) I do it with a fierce interest. OK, it might not be very visible to some because I'm not that in to demonstrating my emotions. But the fact is that if i am involved in something it takes my whole being. Like when I had a urge to learn the guitar, I just played it day and night; like when I write, i just type away pages and pages, and when I read I am oblivious of anything else. When I party I can go on dancing, when I cry I cannot stop the tears. I laugh till my sides hurt. I love wholeheartedly and I hate worse than I love. I am jealous when others have what I want, I am angry when that is rightfully mine, I am competitive and I'd rather die than be nowhere in the race. I need people around me, I love throngs, I love to watch the world go around - all hectic and full of purpose. I cannot tolerate lazy bums, I want to scream at people who take all day to do a simple thing, I detest people who cannot make decisions. I like the fasttrack ads, and I need a life that is on the fast track. After all, I've spent 30 years here. I don't have many more to go!

What I don't know is how to take a break? What is taking a break? It's not a vacation for me, it's not a lazy day at home, it's not 'taking it easy'... these things perhaps drive me madder than I am! I cannot sit around doing nothing. It fills my head with thoughts and there is no taking a break from thoughts. Please don't talk about meditation, it's only for people who can sit still. I fidget, there is no nirvana for me. As I read on a facebook post "C'mon inner peace... i don't have all day".

There are very few who understand my restlessness. "What's the rush" they ask. And I want to yell back at them "Why are you NOT in a rush". I wonder at people who live the same day over and over again - get up, get ready, go to office, work, come home, work, eat, sleep, get up. How can they not see that there is so much more to be done. SO much more than a weekend routine of going out with the same people at the same place for the same brand of alcohol and the same old stories! They seem so unaffected by life or the things that happen to them! They take everything in stride - a bad day at work, a messy relationship, money troubles, health troubles. I don't know how! For me, every small thing that happens to me just unhinges my life. If I have some work related problems, they will permeate into everything else that's happening with me or around me. And I cannot keep my problems to myself - I have to tell the world I am suffering and why. If I am miserable, others around me must be miserable too. If I am happy I'll go around spreading the joy. I get upset when those who should know me do not understand.

But all this obviously leads to a lot of chaos. Someone once told me "Why is it always extremes with you? Why can't you be normal?" I guess I ask myself that question too, but then there is always something that catches my attention and off I must go to do that. Maybe it's time to answer that question. Maybe you can help?

I think this is the most honest thing I've written about myself, and only because I really need help. I need to take a break and someone must teach me HOW!

Monday, July 16, 2012

How hugs redefine the universe

There is nothing so bad that a nice hug can't make better. There's something nice and warm and cosy in a hug that tells you so many things at once "I'm there for you", "I'll catch you if you fall", "everything will be alright", "you'll get through this", "I'm so happy to see you", "i love you", "i missed you", "I'm sorry", "goodbye", "till we meet again". There is so much that a hug can say that words can probably never convey.

A hug has a comforting smell, a feeling of closeness with another human being, that just makes you forget all your troubles and just breathe in the sense of security and that of being wanted.

There are so many things a hug has helped me get over: The first bruised knee, the first bruised ego, the first taste of family fights, the first lover's tiff, a bad day at office, a fight with a friend.... the list is endless!

Maybe I am just a touchy feely person, but a hug makes everything that's  wrong; right instantly. Maybe I am just needy, but a hug makes me feel wanted. And I'm sure the people who started "free hugs" or thought up a "jadoo ki jhappi" felt the power of a hug to redefine the universe.

Well, I need a hug now :)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The elusive romance

I was never the flowers n chocolates kind.  I'd rather have books than flowers and probably a chocolate making kit than chocolates. And not really into candle light dinners either. I like to read my menu and see my food. Not in for long calls and mushy sms either. My ears ache after a while and I just don't know what to say! And for messages I'm more of a mean, sarcastic and scathing kind than mushy. I hate surprises, cannot remember anniversaries and absolutely detest public scenes. Probably my practical and humourless nature just gets in the way of that kind of romance.

So over the years I've been accused of not knowing the worth of a relationship, or not appreciating the beauty of a gesture, and sometimes just being a spoil sport. Well, in my defence, I do like a well done romance ;).. Just my way. There are things I find comfort in and those are the ones I cherish most; more than random flowers which to some people are a way to correct any wrong.

While driving back from work today I drew up a list of things that are romance for me. And here they are:

1) When we cook something special side by side

2) When we do a crossword together on a lazy Sunday

3) When you come home after a long day to a bear hug

4) When you paint my nails

5) Having a breakfast in bed

6) Getting drenched in the rain and then warming up with a cup of tea in a cosy blanket

7) Getting a hobby together

8) Drinking wine and reading a book together

9) Sitting and watching the sea

10) That unexpected kiss..

11) That shared laugh just between the two of u

12) That look of understanding....

But life is so busy that these small things sometime just slip through your fingers...and one has to make an effort to hold on...these are the things that make me cherish the moment and the memory.. And these never go in to the dustbin like faded flowers!

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Inked for life


Finally after 10 years of waiting I got my wish! Yes, I've been inked for life. And my chosen companion is a phoenix. I didn't know what I wanted till I saw it, and then it was suddenly clear that THIS was what I was looking for.

A bit of R&D and I finally went to a tattoo artist recommended by a friend. Surprisingly the design fit in my budget as well. So the date was set and the wait began. Y wait? Because apparently everyone wants a tattoo and that place was swamped with appointments. The only slot I could get was 3 days later at 9:00pm!

It's tough for me to wait and with something that is alien to you! There is no way to know how much it'll hurt till the needle actually touches u. To think about it for 3 more days didn't help. I don't really have a high pain threshold. And I wondered how the hell am I gonna endure it for 1.5 hrs!Well when it started it actually went on for 3 hrs!! Apparently I drink a lot and hence my skin does not absorb color well. So he really had to drill it over and over again to get some ink to stay. And THAT hurt like hell, especially in the last 1 hour. And I still have to go for a touch-up after 3 weeks.

But the end result was awesome and totally worth it! So now I have a beautiful phoenix on my back that constantly reminds me that anytime everything burns down and I am down in the dumps I can pick myself up from the ashes and fly again. And that is a very comforting thought :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The business of god

Those believers of rote and ritual will probably not like this post, but I write what I feel and see around me.

God is just a business today, and a very profitable one at that. The number of gurus, maas, ashrams and ways to nirvaana that have sprung up in the last few decades is astonishing. What's more is that they survive purely based on donations, and some hefty ones at that. One you have latched on to a rich businessman or a politician, you are all set to succeed in the path of becoming a god man.

These so called messengers of god own wealth equal to kings of yore. Be it land, gold, precious stones, latest gadgets, swanky vehicles or private armies, name it and they have it. What bugs the hell out of me is the gullible crowds whose blind belief crowns these thieves into god men.

Nityananda is just one highlighted case in recent times, and it is a high profile one. But swindlers in the name of god are present across the socio-economic strata. Do this puja for 25,000 and your child will get a good admission, give this prasad of 5,000 and you'll get a job or a husband or what-not. Just a few weeks ago I had gone to this trip to the north east and as usual temples were a part of sight seeing. It's so obvious there, priests counting cash from donations instead of praying, blatantly asking for dakshina even to let you see the idol. Disgusting!

For me, god can never be this. God is in a place which is peaceful, serene, beautiful, and where your soul comes to rest, separated from the chaos outside. THAT can never be achieved in these temples of today that are so commercialised by a population of lazy, good for nothings who expect to be fed and clothed and idolised just for some mumbo-jumbo they utter at rituals that are outdated in the current context.

Well there is nothing to be done about it, these things are so deeply set in people's physche that talking about it makes no sense to them. In any case, to each his own, and I say no to such a god and such means of getting his attention!

Monday, May 28, 2012

That's not how I remember it

Memory is such a flippant thing. And recollection is worse. It's tough to find 2 people who remember an incident just as it happened. In fact, what actually happened, and what could be recollected by the above 2, would be 3 different things altogether. Imagine, if it were so easy to recall things, it would make the work of policemen and evidence gatherers much easier. Because then they'll be able to get matching testimonies to an event much quicker. It'll also be easier to settle disputes, transactions, return favors and what not.

But keeping the practical applications aside, this fickleness of memory lulls us in to a sense of delusion. Remember the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder". It's precisely because of our inability to recall events exactly as they happened. The brain automatically adds frills and ribbons to the reality at each instance that we think about it. Hence, a person who is far away looks that much nicer in retrospect than he/ she did in actual presence.

This false sense of exaggeration of something that happened in the past makes us either remember it with sharp positive or negative feelings or to forget it altogether.

So, how do we know what was (or what now seems) so important to us is also equally important to other parties involved in the event? What if we remember something with fond memories and the others have totally forgotten about it? That must have happened to you at some point in time. When you share something and the other one says "That's not how i remember it!"

More importantly, who knows what actually happened... in a world where your own mind plays tricks on you!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

I am woman

I just LOVE this song (by Helen Reddy)....Soooo true!

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman