Dark December

I usually try to abstain from weepy posts.. but this couldn't be helped... call it PMS.
_______________________________
Another year ends; the 30th I have seen. Was there something special about this one? What made it different from the others that went before it? Why is there no sense of achievement? Of having done something new? Why is life still stuck in the little, it-matters-not, kind of complexity that makes living so difficult?

What is it that I am looking for? Peace? Money? A hobby? Companionship? What defines happiness for me? It's really strange that I cannot answer that question after 30 years of apparently knowing myself!

Life is half done. We get but10 years to live, and I have squandered them away. If I make a list of things I wanted to do…it would have a lot of things still undone. I struggle with this sense of disappointment at how life has turned out. A sense of loss for all the wasted potential, a sense of wonderment at the stupidity of it all.

I need to question myself.. Why do I run from people who care about me? Why do I run after things that I cannot have? If things are more important to me than people, then what does it make me? Insensitive? Materialistic? Or is that what I really am?

Sometimes I feel that pretending to be something that I am not has grown so much over me that I myself no longer know who I am! Am I pretending now? Or is this the real me? And what does the real me want?

Sigh.. Maybe I am just feeling this way because it’s almost a weekend and I really really hate weekends. Nothing to do, nowhere to go and imprisoned in a room for 2 days is not my idea of a great time. I don't know where all my friends have melted away..

Life just sucks today! Maybe tomorrow is a better day!

Missing Winters

It's December in Bangalore; apparently winter is here. Not that I can feel it! This place has nothing of what December means to me. A small list for your benefit:

1. Heavy blankets


2. Layers of woolens, socks and gloves, caps and mufflers


3. Hot cups of ginger tea


4. Hot roasted peanuts, fresh off the stove, that you shelled and munched away the entire evening


5. Gajak - the sweet jaggery and sesame savory.....


6. The early morning fog, when it was impossible to see your own hands in front of your face


7. The cold wind that froze ur lips and literally formed icicles on your nose


8. The burst of freshness when you breathed in the chilled air!


9. Those mornings, sitting on the roof with a book and chasing that sunbeam around.


10. Those last rays of sun in the evening with which you desperately tried to warm your socks.


11. Going to school, on a two wheeler, singing songs with chattering teeth to drive away the cold.


12. The hot oil massages and steaming baths.


13. The dry fruits that mom stuffed in your pockets to munch away the whole day


14. Cuddling together at nights to warm each other. Pushing away some one's icy toes


15. Dancing around and cooking on the bonfires

ooh.. there are sooo many memories.... I wish i could get the taste of that winter again :)

Guess it's time to go home!