Dark December

I usually try to abstain from weepy posts.. but this couldn't be helped... call it PMS.
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Another year ends; the 30th I have seen. Was there something special about this one? What made it different from the others that went before it? Why is there no sense of achievement? Of having done something new? Why is life still stuck in the little, it-matters-not, kind of complexity that makes living so difficult?

What is it that I am looking for? Peace? Money? A hobby? Companionship? What defines happiness for me? It's really strange that I cannot answer that question after 30 years of apparently knowing myself!

Life is half done. We get but10 years to live, and I have squandered them away. If I make a list of things I wanted to do…it would have a lot of things still undone. I struggle with this sense of disappointment at how life has turned out. A sense of loss for all the wasted potential, a sense of wonderment at the stupidity of it all.

I need to question myself.. Why do I run from people who care about me? Why do I run after things that I cannot have? If things are more important to me than people, then what does it make me? Insensitive? Materialistic? Or is that what I really am?

Sometimes I feel that pretending to be something that I am not has grown so much over me that I myself no longer know who I am! Am I pretending now? Or is this the real me? And what does the real me want?

Sigh.. Maybe I am just feeling this way because it’s almost a weekend and I really really hate weekends. Nothing to do, nowhere to go and imprisoned in a room for 2 days is not my idea of a great time. I don't know where all my friends have melted away..

Life just sucks today! Maybe tomorrow is a better day!