A rose

A beautiful rose opened its eyes to the world
with the first hint of dawn
She drank the sweet dew of the night before
from her delicate petals
And smiled at the honeybees,
who vied for her nectar
Swaying gently in the soft breeze
spreading her soft fragrance,
the rose felt proud of its youth
She flirted with the butterflies in the day
And shamed the moths with her beautiful colors
in the dusk
She laughed at the eager lovers
who wanted the prized rose
for the lovely maidens who waited for them
“ah! I’m alive and what a beautiful life it is”
She thought
Then one day she saw
her blood red petals had turned yellow
The bees were gone and so were the butterflies
There were no more eager glances
and no one noticed
As one by one her petals fell
and then there was nothing…………..

Uncertainity...

If we could only learn to live with a little uncertainity and stopped fretting over what's going to happen next, we could make our present so much better.

We miss out on so many things today because we are waiting for a better tomorrow, when we have more time, more money and a better opportunity. But how many of us actually have better tomorrows? And what today's do have to compare them wih? There is never that "right time" that we wait for.

I myself have waited to do so many things when the time is right. Be it small things like waiting to watch a movie after the exams (which remains unseen) or waiting to buy new furniture till you move in a better place; the wait never ends. We keep on postponing things, and ultimately they lose their charm or we are too old to enjoy them. But we still don't learn.

I have forgotten how to just go with the flow of things... to just do something because you want to do it... to not think of pros and cons. It might be better this way because it makes my life less risky, but then it might all end tomorrow and i'll never get to do the things i wanted most.

I have spent the past 25 years of my life in the pursuit of a career and social standing, and in the end what does it give me? A 14 hour job and dissatisfaction over what i could've been? i waited for the time when i will get a job and i can finally do things my way... but well i'm still not able to do it...

i wish i wouldn't fret over tomorrow so much...

Love Actually

I read somewhere that Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that person. This fits with my understanding of love... and therefore says that you an love more than one person at a time :)

what if u started out with caring and gradually built up the feeling and romance.... what if you are just so used to each other that even though you can't stand each other's comapny, you can't think of staying apart... what if seeing tears in someone's eyes makes you want to kill yourself for being the cause of them... i think that love encompasses all feeling... you add them all up and the result is love... be it anger, hate, passion, compassion, tenderness, caring. Everything blends well together, and they show their colours from time to time.

Love is like a kaleidoscope, with ever changing emotions swirling to form beautiful patterns of memories. And everything fits in, there is no piece out of place, no colour that seems bizzare, every feeling is reflected from the mirror of our hearts. Therefore, more the mirrors, better the pattern... :) ( i seem to be patronizing polygamy here)

All i'm trying to say is that love cannot be controlled... you cannot say that if i'm in love with one person that's it... because you have to have feelings connected with every person in your life... and as i just pointed out, love is but the summation of these.

You have to set priorities to make your life easier, but that's just about it...

love is omnipresent...

Fly away

Yesterday night i had a dream.. i saw myself trying to fly... wishing to leave the ground and fly away high.

But all i could do was run a bit and give a futile hop, flutter a bit and land back on the hard ground.

Then i thought... how long it had been since i actually ran? Felt the ground or fresh, dewy green grass under my feet? Felt the scented air on my face, my hair flying away in all directions??

It has been too long... so long that i've forgotten when was the last time or what i felt then... But yesterday i felt it again in my dream... even though i couldn't fly, the run was worth a try... so i ran & ran, under the blue sky... I ran till the very end of earth, till there was no ground under my feet and i was actually flying; surrounded by blue; the blue sky over my head and the blue sea underneath.

I could see the snowy birds (birds?? or were they clouds??) flying with me, and then they watched while i went down. Down & down i went... farther away from the sky, and towards the sea that beakoned. deep and mysterious. And down i went, pulled by a mysterious force... till i was swollowed whole by the gaping water monster. And there i lay... floating and watching the sky... which was mine for an instant but will never be mine again...

Nostalgia

As per definition Nostalgia describes a longing for the past, often idealized and unrealistic.
The term was originally coined by Johannes Hofer, a medical student in 1678 (νόστος = nostos = returning home, άλγος = algos = pain/longing) roots, to refer to "the pain a sick person feels because he wishes to return to his native land, and fears never to see it again".

But as arimanius pointed out, nostalgia means a lot more in its current usage. This word is used in context of thinking about the past. Some good memories, some bad, lots of images swirling around in your head... making u smile, shake ur head in wonder, sometimes making u grimace... all memories, all yours...

I don't know abut people in general, but i could do away with some of these memories... but i guess those are the hardest to get rid of. It's amazing how i can quickly forget the small things in life that gave me pleasure, those little moments in time which are so important that they should be kept framed forever. I really don't remember the first times of so many things... the first day of school, the first day out of home all alone, the first day in a new city, the first day with a set of entirely new people... I guess they happen so quickly that there isn't time to take it all in. But the hard-to-get-rid-of memories... they are always the bad ones. All the mistakes you've ever done, all the embarrasing situations you've been in will come to haunt you the moment you sit alone. They come unbidden, almost in a sneaky way... and before you know it, you are living all those horrors again.

People learn from their mistakes, i don't seem to be of that breed... i keep on making the same mistakes over and over again. adding to my ever increasing stock of bad memories... someday they'll push out all the good ones :-(

The point is, i'm not really fond of this "Nostalgia" thing and i really wish out alcom finds a different name soon... not that i'll come even if they do that...

???

Sometimes i really wonder about Indian ethos. I think a re-read of the vedas is in order to get a correct picture of what our civilization actually was. I keep hearing about the great Indian nation, our rich history, diverse culture, values and so on and so forth but my own experiance of indian society has a lot more to add.

According to me the Indian civilization had a great beginning but somewhere down the line we lost all the core competencies that made us great and all we have left now are some twisted notions and ideologies.

One major flaw as i see it is suppression of individuality. You CANNOT be different, be as we are or be ostracized. So now what we've got here is a mob, not people, just a mob. One person shouts a slogan and the crowd carries it forward, without thinking, without analysing, almost mechanically. I think you cannot hope to instill values in a person if he/she is not allowed to develop. A culture can be called great only if people embrace it willingly, and not made to accept it.

Our society forces people to conform to the norms, rituals and beliefs held by it collectively. Social acceptability is a prime concern. You have to keep the society in mind at all times, be it education, career, marriage, birth, death, your wishes do not matter. A prior approval of the society is required. If you deviate from the norm you pay the price.

Society is nothing but a bunch of busybodies who have nothing better to do than interfere in other people's lives.. period.

I, for one have been trying to do my own thing for quite a while now, but the above mentioned demon has always stopped me from getting where i want to be. It's like a boundary drawn around you, it cannot be crossed. And the one thing i hate most is boundaries, i do not like the concept. Limiting yourself because of some unknown entity's whims and fancies is foolishness to say the least. Ah well!! that's what we all do anyways.

I agree that without boundaries people can become unruly and that there shall be chaos. But isn't a little chaos required sometimes?? to rearrange things a bit??? isn't that why revolutions happen??? So why wait for a revolution?? why can't we just give everyone a little space to BE what they ARE, and not just a reflection of everyone else around them.

I so want to be myself.... I guess i just don't know who that is anymore.

P.S: I do have a lot to say about the good things of Indian culture, maybe i will when i feel like it

Girlfriends

Something i didn 't have till recently. I never got along well with girls, though i had a big friend circle in school (a girls' school) but somehow there was always a disconnect. I somehow had to pretend to like the stuff that came naturally to them... like hugging every time you met, screaming with delight (i'm assuming it was delight) at trivial things which would not even make me raise an eyebrow, discussing clothes and makeup or guys... and blah blah blah....

So... the disconnect existed in the thought process and also on the expressive front. I was really never comfortable with hugging (guess i'm still not, but concessions can be made on special occasions). Therefore sharing their intimate secrets or being a part of the "girl club" was not a privilage extended to me. Sure i went for all the parties, shared all joys and sorrows but that was just a front, "I" was standing on the sidelines watching the drama unfold and admiring my acting skills :)

At present there is a confusion as to whether I have changed or the times have changed. I think it must be me or i've been extreamly lucky to get a set of girlfriends who can behave like normal human beings (even though they think i'm abnormal). Another possibility is that we've all grown up and have changed with the times. These friends of mine have made me realize the importance of having a girlfriend in your life. They empathize with you when u feel down in the dumps, understand what A**H**** guys can be and how they can make your life miserable for no reason at all, cook little treats for u and make u feel special, give u little presents even if there is no occasion, laugh with u, cry with u and admire a few endangered species of good looking guys with you. They are the ones who really appreciate the concept of PMS, they understand your temper tantrums, mood swings and food cravings. They understand the magic of chocolate and can moan with you over a pack of "pure magic" or Hershey's kisses.

Well my list can go on endlessly all thanks to my friends. Maybe i'll continue in the next post...

Till then...

Opportunity Cost

The benefits you forgo when u let go of one thing for another...

"If i had only done that and not this, life would've been so different", this sentence has become a regularity in my life now. Why should i not strive for a better life, why should i not want to do things that i want to do? But somehow over the course of time my decisions have always failed me... i don't know if this is because they were never entirely my own decisions.

I also know that every person has the ability to choose for himself/herself and excuses like, "i was not allowed to do that", "i had to do it otherwise..", are totally baseless. If you make decisions based on someone else, if you obey someone else.. it was your choice to do so in the first place.

But still i regret the course my life has taken and i'm desperately ( is it too strong a word to use here?) trying to change track... and finding it very difficult. I made a choice a long time back, to live according to the wishes of people i love... maybe under the mistaken assumption that they will in turn understand what I want and act accordingly... but it was as i said, a mistaken assumption. Now i've realised that i cannot pursue this line of thinking and be happy. Now i want to live life on my own terms, which is what i should have started with anyways. The problem here is that i'm now so conditioned to subjugate my will that any attempt from my side to do what i want scares me, and on top of that brings along a guilt complex... sighhh!!!!

hmm.. now i wonder whether this monologue was about opportunity costs or sunk costs...

The End

Lifestyle

A few days back i had the pleasure to interact with a very impressive person. She taught us ethics; there was something in her that made me think "this is how i would want to be". She had a peaceful countenance.. as if all is well in this world; yet a forceful character that hit u like a wave... she had what u may call dynamism, verve, panache... and knowledge!!!

She asked us not to turn a blind eye to the world, to look and learn from experiance; our own as well as others'... (how many of us actually do that??). Ma told me the same thing once, i guess everyones' parents do, she said "i've made this mistake.. it hurts.. don't do it", but i guess i have a wilfulness that is hard to suppress :) so i went ahead anyways...

Coming back... i was saying we do turn a blind eye to the world. We are lost in our own convictions, beliefs and opinions. How often do we examine ourselves and say " i am not doing this right... let me change myself". We always try to shift the blame, to change others... is it because it is so difficult to change ourselves???

My teacher said it's difficult yes, but impossible no.... to change yourself you need to change your lifestyle. Live a simple life, meditate, sleep less, eat well, have clean thoughts etc etc... i did appreciate all her suggestions but have found it impossible to implement them... (mostly due to laziness). Every morning i plan to get up at 6, but i've rarely managed 9.... and i console myself, it's six if u look at it from the other side :)
forget meditation and eating well. My day isn't over without a burger from McD's and a chocolate gateau dripping with chocolate sauce. As for clean thoughts... i never had them and probably never will. :(

Ahem.. so the dilemma is "how do i attain that knowledge, peace and force of character, without having to give up my little pleasures in life?"

P.S. : i have a lot of little pleasures

Memories of Midnight

Went to a gala party yesterday... all dressed up for the occasion... feeling hot n sexy n chic... but parties somehow have lost the zing they had before... or maybe the parties are the same but i have lost the zing... the idea of booze, acrid smoke, and sweaty bodies fills me with revulsion now.. and i wonder why the thought never entered my mind before?? The smells of sickly sweet perfumes mixed with sweat, sometimes vomit, and smoke makes me nauseaus now... maybe earlier it all escaped notice because i was lost in myself... but these days when i watch people dancing it looks like meanigless writhing of animals in ecstacy...and somehow i cannot allow myself to be a part of it...

yesterday was a picture of all that i find disgusting.. people drunk, out of their senses.. leering.. vomiting.. fighting.. crying... it was supposed to be a happy occasion.. i didn't find happiness anywhere.. not even within me.. so i left... wondering why i keep coming back to witness such filth..

but yesterday was a major turning point in my life.. for reasons best known to myself.. maybe i'll share them some day.. i am not ready yet..

The Beginning

My association with blogging started with reading a friend's diary online. The experiance left in me a sense of wonder (about people who would bare their hearts online for everyone to read) and also enough anti-blogging sentiments to keep me away from it for four years.. both, from reading and writing any blogs.. then recently another friend recommended a blog, (which i read because i read almost anything i get) and from then on i was hooked..it was a beautifully written thing, every post a work of art, and i fell in love :-)

So, taking inspiration from it, i thought of creating a corner for myself in the cyberspace.. and here i am..