???

Sometimes i really wonder about Indian ethos. I think a re-read of the vedas is in order to get a correct picture of what our civilization actually was. I keep hearing about the great Indian nation, our rich history, diverse culture, values and so on and so forth but my own experiance of indian society has a lot more to add.

According to me the Indian civilization had a great beginning but somewhere down the line we lost all the core competencies that made us great and all we have left now are some twisted notions and ideologies.

One major flaw as i see it is suppression of individuality. You CANNOT be different, be as we are or be ostracized. So now what we've got here is a mob, not people, just a mob. One person shouts a slogan and the crowd carries it forward, without thinking, without analysing, almost mechanically. I think you cannot hope to instill values in a person if he/she is not allowed to develop. A culture can be called great only if people embrace it willingly, and not made to accept it.

Our society forces people to conform to the norms, rituals and beliefs held by it collectively. Social acceptability is a prime concern. You have to keep the society in mind at all times, be it education, career, marriage, birth, death, your wishes do not matter. A prior approval of the society is required. If you deviate from the norm you pay the price.

Society is nothing but a bunch of busybodies who have nothing better to do than interfere in other people's lives.. period.

I, for one have been trying to do my own thing for quite a while now, but the above mentioned demon has always stopped me from getting where i want to be. It's like a boundary drawn around you, it cannot be crossed. And the one thing i hate most is boundaries, i do not like the concept. Limiting yourself because of some unknown entity's whims and fancies is foolishness to say the least. Ah well!! that's what we all do anyways.

I agree that without boundaries people can become unruly and that there shall be chaos. But isn't a little chaos required sometimes?? to rearrange things a bit??? isn't that why revolutions happen??? So why wait for a revolution?? why can't we just give everyone a little space to BE what they ARE, and not just a reflection of everyone else around them.

I so want to be myself.... I guess i just don't know who that is anymore.

P.S: I do have a lot to say about the good things of Indian culture, maybe i will when i feel like it

Girlfriends

Something i didn 't have till recently. I never got along well with girls, though i had a big friend circle in school (a girls' school) but somehow there was always a disconnect. I somehow had to pretend to like the stuff that came naturally to them... like hugging every time you met, screaming with delight (i'm assuming it was delight) at trivial things which would not even make me raise an eyebrow, discussing clothes and makeup or guys... and blah blah blah....

So... the disconnect existed in the thought process and also on the expressive front. I was really never comfortable with hugging (guess i'm still not, but concessions can be made on special occasions). Therefore sharing their intimate secrets or being a part of the "girl club" was not a privilage extended to me. Sure i went for all the parties, shared all joys and sorrows but that was just a front, "I" was standing on the sidelines watching the drama unfold and admiring my acting skills :)

At present there is a confusion as to whether I have changed or the times have changed. I think it must be me or i've been extreamly lucky to get a set of girlfriends who can behave like normal human beings (even though they think i'm abnormal). Another possibility is that we've all grown up and have changed with the times. These friends of mine have made me realize the importance of having a girlfriend in your life. They empathize with you when u feel down in the dumps, understand what A**H**** guys can be and how they can make your life miserable for no reason at all, cook little treats for u and make u feel special, give u little presents even if there is no occasion, laugh with u, cry with u and admire a few endangered species of good looking guys with you. They are the ones who really appreciate the concept of PMS, they understand your temper tantrums, mood swings and food cravings. They understand the magic of chocolate and can moan with you over a pack of "pure magic" or Hershey's kisses.

Well my list can go on endlessly all thanks to my friends. Maybe i'll continue in the next post...

Till then...

Opportunity Cost

The benefits you forgo when u let go of one thing for another...

"If i had only done that and not this, life would've been so different", this sentence has become a regularity in my life now. Why should i not strive for a better life, why should i not want to do things that i want to do? But somehow over the course of time my decisions have always failed me... i don't know if this is because they were never entirely my own decisions.

I also know that every person has the ability to choose for himself/herself and excuses like, "i was not allowed to do that", "i had to do it otherwise..", are totally baseless. If you make decisions based on someone else, if you obey someone else.. it was your choice to do so in the first place.

But still i regret the course my life has taken and i'm desperately ( is it too strong a word to use here?) trying to change track... and finding it very difficult. I made a choice a long time back, to live according to the wishes of people i love... maybe under the mistaken assumption that they will in turn understand what I want and act accordingly... but it was as i said, a mistaken assumption. Now i've realised that i cannot pursue this line of thinking and be happy. Now i want to live life on my own terms, which is what i should have started with anyways. The problem here is that i'm now so conditioned to subjugate my will that any attempt from my side to do what i want scares me, and on top of that brings along a guilt complex... sighhh!!!!

hmm.. now i wonder whether this monologue was about opportunity costs or sunk costs...

The End

Lifestyle

A few days back i had the pleasure to interact with a very impressive person. She taught us ethics; there was something in her that made me think "this is how i would want to be". She had a peaceful countenance.. as if all is well in this world; yet a forceful character that hit u like a wave... she had what u may call dynamism, verve, panache... and knowledge!!!

She asked us not to turn a blind eye to the world, to look and learn from experiance; our own as well as others'... (how many of us actually do that??). Ma told me the same thing once, i guess everyones' parents do, she said "i've made this mistake.. it hurts.. don't do it", but i guess i have a wilfulness that is hard to suppress :) so i went ahead anyways...

Coming back... i was saying we do turn a blind eye to the world. We are lost in our own convictions, beliefs and opinions. How often do we examine ourselves and say " i am not doing this right... let me change myself". We always try to shift the blame, to change others... is it because it is so difficult to change ourselves???

My teacher said it's difficult yes, but impossible no.... to change yourself you need to change your lifestyle. Live a simple life, meditate, sleep less, eat well, have clean thoughts etc etc... i did appreciate all her suggestions but have found it impossible to implement them... (mostly due to laziness). Every morning i plan to get up at 6, but i've rarely managed 9.... and i console myself, it's six if u look at it from the other side :)
forget meditation and eating well. My day isn't over without a burger from McD's and a chocolate gateau dripping with chocolate sauce. As for clean thoughts... i never had them and probably never will. :(

Ahem.. so the dilemma is "how do i attain that knowledge, peace and force of character, without having to give up my little pleasures in life?"

P.S. : i have a lot of little pleasures

Memories of Midnight

Went to a gala party yesterday... all dressed up for the occasion... feeling hot n sexy n chic... but parties somehow have lost the zing they had before... or maybe the parties are the same but i have lost the zing... the idea of booze, acrid smoke, and sweaty bodies fills me with revulsion now.. and i wonder why the thought never entered my mind before?? The smells of sickly sweet perfumes mixed with sweat, sometimes vomit, and smoke makes me nauseaus now... maybe earlier it all escaped notice because i was lost in myself... but these days when i watch people dancing it looks like meanigless writhing of animals in ecstacy...and somehow i cannot allow myself to be a part of it...

yesterday was a picture of all that i find disgusting.. people drunk, out of their senses.. leering.. vomiting.. fighting.. crying... it was supposed to be a happy occasion.. i didn't find happiness anywhere.. not even within me.. so i left... wondering why i keep coming back to witness such filth..

but yesterday was a major turning point in my life.. for reasons best known to myself.. maybe i'll share them some day.. i am not ready yet..