I'm someone who got tangled in the fast pace of life. And I am someone who loves the fast pace of life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stop and smell the flowers as they say, then I just shake my head and move on.
What ever I do ( and I need to do something at every point in time) I do it with a fierce interest. OK, it might not be very visible to some because I'm not that in to demonstrating my emotions. But the fact is that if i am involved in something it takes my whole being. Like when I had a urge to learn the guitar, I just played it day and night; like when I write, i just type away pages and pages, and when I read I am oblivious of anything else. When I party I can go on dancing, when I cry I cannot stop the tears. I laugh till my sides hurt. I love wholeheartedly and I hate worse than I love. I am jealous when others have what I want, I am angry when that is rightfully mine, I am competitive and I'd rather die than be nowhere in the race. I need people around me, I love throngs, I love to watch the world go around - all hectic and full of purpose. I cannot tolerate lazy bums, I want to scream at people who take all day to do a simple thing, I detest people who cannot make decisions. I like the fasttrack ads, and I need a life that is on the fast track. After all, I've spent 30 years here. I don't have many more to go!
What I don't know is how to take a break? What is taking a break? It's not a vacation for me, it's not a lazy day at home, it's not 'taking it easy'... these things perhaps drive me madder than I am! I cannot sit around doing nothing. It fills my head with thoughts and there is no taking a break from thoughts. Please don't talk about meditation, it's only for people who can sit still. I fidget, there is no nirvana for me. As I read on a facebook post "C'mon inner peace... i don't have all day".
There are very few who understand my restlessness. "What's the rush" they ask. And I want to yell back at them "Why are you NOT in a rush". I wonder at people who live the same day over and over again - get up, get ready, go to office, work, come home, work, eat, sleep, get up. How can they not see that there is so much more to be done. SO much more than a weekend routine of going out with the same people at the same place for the same brand of alcohol and the same old stories! They seem so unaffected by life or the things that happen to them! They take everything in stride - a bad day at work, a messy relationship, money troubles, health troubles. I don't know how! For me, every small thing that happens to me just unhinges my life. If I have some work related problems, they will permeate into everything else that's happening with me or around me. And I cannot keep my problems to myself - I have to tell the world I am suffering and why. If I am miserable, others around me must be miserable too. If I am happy I'll go around spreading the joy. I get upset when those who should know me do not understand.
But all this obviously leads to a lot of chaos. Someone once told me "Why is it always extremes with you? Why can't you be normal?" I guess I ask myself that question too, but then there is always something that catches my attention and off I must go to do that. Maybe it's time to answer that question. Maybe you can help?
I think this is the most honest thing I've written about myself, and only because I really need help. I need to take a break and someone must teach me HOW!
What ever I do ( and I need to do something at every point in time) I do it with a fierce interest. OK, it might not be very visible to some because I'm not that in to demonstrating my emotions. But the fact is that if i am involved in something it takes my whole being. Like when I had a urge to learn the guitar, I just played it day and night; like when I write, i just type away pages and pages, and when I read I am oblivious of anything else. When I party I can go on dancing, when I cry I cannot stop the tears. I laugh till my sides hurt. I love wholeheartedly and I hate worse than I love. I am jealous when others have what I want, I am angry when that is rightfully mine, I am competitive and I'd rather die than be nowhere in the race. I need people around me, I love throngs, I love to watch the world go around - all hectic and full of purpose. I cannot tolerate lazy bums, I want to scream at people who take all day to do a simple thing, I detest people who cannot make decisions. I like the fasttrack ads, and I need a life that is on the fast track. After all, I've spent 30 years here. I don't have many more to go!
What I don't know is how to take a break? What is taking a break? It's not a vacation for me, it's not a lazy day at home, it's not 'taking it easy'... these things perhaps drive me madder than I am! I cannot sit around doing nothing. It fills my head with thoughts and there is no taking a break from thoughts. Please don't talk about meditation, it's only for people who can sit still. I fidget, there is no nirvana for me. As I read on a facebook post "C'mon inner peace... i don't have all day".
There are very few who understand my restlessness. "What's the rush" they ask. And I want to yell back at them "Why are you NOT in a rush". I wonder at people who live the same day over and over again - get up, get ready, go to office, work, come home, work, eat, sleep, get up. How can they not see that there is so much more to be done. SO much more than a weekend routine of going out with the same people at the same place for the same brand of alcohol and the same old stories! They seem so unaffected by life or the things that happen to them! They take everything in stride - a bad day at work, a messy relationship, money troubles, health troubles. I don't know how! For me, every small thing that happens to me just unhinges my life. If I have some work related problems, they will permeate into everything else that's happening with me or around me. And I cannot keep my problems to myself - I have to tell the world I am suffering and why. If I am miserable, others around me must be miserable too. If I am happy I'll go around spreading the joy. I get upset when those who should know me do not understand.
But all this obviously leads to a lot of chaos. Someone once told me "Why is it always extremes with you? Why can't you be normal?" I guess I ask myself that question too, but then there is always something that catches my attention and off I must go to do that. Maybe it's time to answer that question. Maybe you can help?
I think this is the most honest thing I've written about myself, and only because I really need help. I need to take a break and someone must teach me HOW!
2 comments:
I wanted to leave a comment the day i read it, but for some reason couldn't. And now that i'm here again, thought of leaving a msg here as well.
Well, Sup, i too 'had' been in a similar state.. Wanting to do something all the time, doing a LOT of things continuously for a looooong time... And even a break will not exactly be a break! And then there was some enlightenment, or so I'd like to call it. I thought i should really take a break. A break to just live life and do nothing that i don't enjoy fully... that i should have time to pursue all my hobbies, i should do only things that make me happy....i should have time to just sit with my legs stretched and read a book for hours without a damm and so on... In short, i just wanted to pause my high speed life, live it fully and then continue :)
And decided to take a sabbatical from work, as a first step! Everyone was surprised and shocked, but i wanted to... And then things turned out that I'm here in a diff country now, and it's adding to my pleasure :) And believe me i'm realizing what i had missed all these yrs...
Ok.. I've written too much here and it's time for you to take a break!
@sum: I wish i could take a sabbatical. But i don't think the time is right now :).. gotta pay a big EMI every month.. so those dreams are a part of future plans... not yet! but i am definately thinking of moving probably a new place will do me good... really admire your step though.. it's tough to take this decision especially if you have been working a while :) enjoy yourself and keep giving us great recipes.
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